the randomness of the mighty confused one

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the randomness of the mighty confused one

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midian_castle

[	userinfo	\|	livejournal userinfo	]
[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

[Nov. 27th, 2005|08:47 pm]

[	mood	\|	go see my myspace	]
[	music	\|	grandia	]

boy has it been a long time since iv done shit on this thing.
i really only use it for my essays, to spell check shit. i dont have word or open office.

i really only use my myspace blog now.
my myspace page
http://www.myspace.com/19897295

my myspace blog
http://blog.myspace.com/19897295

ahhh well. off to play half-life one. i just downloaded it. woot.
iv been wanting to play it.
i have the second. i always tend to go backwards on games

[Oct. 29th, 2005|06:13 pm]

[	mood	\|	sigh	]
[	music	\|	silent hill 2 " music box"	]

ran cold is my blood
stiff is my body
yet my eyes still moist and seeing
mind wandering through the universe
streak of dampness lies on my cheek
no breath coming, no breath going
all life has now begun to slow
time is nothing
the moment has passed
the past a distant pain of memories
i just wish to rest alone
forever in my mind thinking
all hope now lost.

[Sep. 22nd, 2005|10:58 pm]

[	mood	\|	high	]
[	music	\|	cruxshadows mix	]

swirly dance.
pill poping
fuzzy eyes
brain scrambled
stomach turning
world spining out of controle
silly smile
flying while in bed
the joys of overdosing on pills
now i close my eyes
slip in and out of my state of reconing
to wake in the morn
to begin anew

coagulation of the mind

[Aug. 30th, 2005|09:36 pm]

[	mood	\|	brain oozing from my ears.	]
[	music	\|	deception: in german/ dying song: cruxshadows	]

dont you just hate it when you want to say something, hit something, or scream, or what have you.....you cant.
like your empty.
unable to have such emotions.
complete brain meltdown.

that and the whole conception of "we" dont know whats going on
BULLSHIT
were not so lax as to have shit fly over our heads. sure we may over look things, but dosent mean we dont notice them.
we know when shit is up.

im kinda all over tonight but ehh im just putting shit down so shove it.

2 songs i like are kinda true to my life right now

pray for daylight,
pray morning,
pray for the end of our deception *deception*

its true.
we all hope for day to come.
the fear of death sits over use always.
kinda the hopes of " if i go to sleep will i wake up?"
that and this deception. why cant it all just end. the lies, backstabbing, betrayal.
its just seams so childish, i just cant stand it anymore.

life clinging backwards.
in the fall of dread confusion.*deception*

life is backwards. people think to much on the future.
i think we should all think on the now. how are we now. not what will we be in the future.

the night is frozen,
and these tears have stung my eye * dying song*

guess to say, night brings out bitterness, that and after so long crying just brings more pain.

dreams may pass,
and dreams may fade.
knowing our love wont stay the same,
nothing ever stays the same.*dying*

it is true. nothing lasts forever.
you have dreams, but how often do you act on them.
you may have goals, plans. but how many of you actually fallow through.

i know im fallowing my goal and dream of college for mortuary. but to get here iv had to loose a few dreams.
nothing lasts forever.

love and death will set you free. but love will kill you in the process.
my grandma always told me that.
that and she always told me to watch out for my self.
and the only person to take care of you is you.
no one else knows you like you know yourself.

depression the new low

[Aug. 29th, 2005|11:22 am]

[	mood	\|	"shape up, or walk out" E. poe	]
[	music	\|	scuicide	]

dont know why im doing this. this just seams to get me in more SHIT!.
truth is, i dont know how long i can keep this up. im loosing my mind.
and i know no one really reads this. so i guess its open fields.
but how is one supposed to take being told your " conspiring behind ones back"
WTF.....uh NO!!!!.
if i was conspiring, i would of never said a fucking word.
see how i try to help, i get shit on.
everything somehow turns out to be MY fault. no ONE elses!.
and yes, i am very VERY pissed at the situation.
like they say. one will never change. this is proving to be true. and its pissing me off.
i have enough to deal with. work and college. and saving money. thats all i wanna worry about right now. i dont wanna have to think " oh ge, what else am i gettn shit for this week, or this month"
i dont wanna have to worry about anyone but me. but thats not my nature.
i always worry. i always stress. no wonder im so strung out.
sometimes i feel so thin, that if i was pushed anymore i would tear.
i cant think any more. fuck it.

fuck the world, fuck the people in it, they all suck and refuse to do what they know is right.
the humans are a lazy ass fuckn wast of space. they will never change. and for this, complications arize. purfection is only a myth. the only way to feel alive, is to feel the sharp pain, and bright red color run.

[Aug. 11th, 2005|08:19 pm]

[	mood	\|	etawa nyah??	]
[	music	\|	boa, silent hill 1, 3, 4,	]

just spent the whole day re-arranging my room.
took things from one side of the room to the other, and vice versa.
room needed a new look, it was depressing.
so now it's revamped and cool look'n. to me anyhow.
still ant find my college class paper. sigh. ill just have to go in and ask for a new one. and i have to get books this weekend. >.< yes i am aware its only a week till class starts.
i cant wait to go back to school. meet new people, make new friends. god knows i need new faces.
i like the campus of MCC. its big, and green.
although my classes are a bit far apart.
my first class is next to the parking lot, then i have to go all the way to the other side of the campus, then trek back across to my other class.
at least on the days i have one class, it's right next to the lot.

property?.... dont fuckn think so buddy, best check yourself.

[Aug. 7th, 2005|08:59 pm]

[	mood	\|	fuck you.....you heard me	]
[	music	\|	with hunter robin	]

god im so fucking bored with everything. EVERYTHING.
so i decided that ima go have me a little adventure.have some real fun for a change. iv had a very stressful week.
and i think i deserve a little fun time ifn ya know what i mean.
ill prolly hop around with friends. go drinkn, smokn, racn in the sand.
house flooded, got a tiket, moms car broak down, my muscles all hurt, im in dire need of a good rub, which my good friend alex gave me one the other night,but i still need one. my back is fuked up. so ima drown my sorrow with alcohol and weed, and anime.
i love my friends. ^_^
guess everything is "ok".
as ok as a burnt turkey.
but im hanging in there. shool starts in 2 weeks. i need my books.im tired, horny, pissed, frustrated, and in the mood to stab someone.
i dunno. maybe ill just hill at my neighbors zach's.
hell all he does is party. and his friends are cool.
anyhow. lifes a bith. so drink up, and toke up.

oh....ohoh....im also tired of hearing the term " property". as used for girls. mmm nahuh. that shit dont fly.
i hate it when guys think they own their girlfriends and what not. the fuck are you to say to ANYONE, who they can or cannot talk to.
iv heard this from everyone. shit. sure your gunna not like people your gf/bf know. but fuck, to say i dont want you talkn to them or hanging with them is bullshit.
i hate the kind of people who also let themselfs get wraped around the other persons finger. that just shows your weak, unable to fend for yourself, and you have no self asteme.
its just like laying on the floor and letting them whipe the botom of their shoe on you.
and i know the whole communication thing. but hell if you tell the something, they either get all ass hurt about it, or they give you the " why you telln me".......due to the fat that if i dont youll get ass hurt, and wait you did........sigh.
back to the term property, or terratory.
what gives a person the right to say they own someone.
hmmmmmm. nothing. then why do people use that. makes no sence to me. well i should stop. im sure this has already got me in a pickle. @_@........9__9

oh and another thing FUCK YOU!!.
cheers.

[Aug. 1st, 2005|10:38 am]

[	mood	\|	HEXES	]
[	music	\|	cruxshadows	]

9", Willow, Dragon
You scored 26 wisdom, 44 bravery, 26 emotional, and 16 martyrdom!
A willow wand signifies that you care deeply about emotions, art, and intuition, and that you have a particular knack for charms. Your dragon's heartstring core makes your wand very effective in hexes.

really? you think so. ehehehehee

[Jul. 28th, 2005|09:06 pm]

[	mood	\|	i wanna dance	]
[	music	\|	labyrinth	]

so now ima day loser to my tattoo. yay. iv been waiting years to get my tattoo.
my mom was suposed to get it for my graduation, well things changed that outcome.
iv been listening to my favorite song of all time. David bowie " as the world falls down".
MAkes me wish i had someone here to dance with to it.
I miss dancing with someone. i did that all the time with my friends. and i kinda miss dances.
ghetto as they were, it was still fun.
sigh, i do kinda wish i could of gone to prom. but thats what happens when you go to a different school during that time. ahhh well i graduated sooner, take that FUKERS!!!!.
that to everyone at my fuckn dumb ass of high school.
To all those who said, i got pregnant, went to a drug rehab, got married in Nevada, or got kidnaped.
although i kinda wish one of those would happen. shit then maybe i wouldnt be so fuckn bored. >.<
sigh...............................:: looks around::..........................:: swivels in my chair::
:: nods off::..............
so i sit and pass the time working out, playing N64, and cleaning. UBER cleaning.
either that im being sent out on driving missions to the store, or some odd place.
ahhhh i had the oddest dreams .
one i was at my friend megs house. she and her mom house pigeons and other birds.
well i was petting one and holding a few others. then her mom comes in and tell's me not to do so. for it would breath a contract or sumthn.
O.o never would happen, im always allowed to hold them ute fuzzy animals, anyway.
then im in a race car with my bf frank. its yellow and zoomy.
we were racing this one dude. well we lose, and go back to his place. he tells me he needs a jumper and that would raise his stats. * i must play to many RPG's*.
so i tell him to put on his Tool jumper. then he goes on about how it would rub off or sumthn. so im like turn it inside out duhh. so he tries and it dosent fit him. so i jump right on in it. * iv always wanted to wear it to*
were now back in the yellow twinky race car. were about to play chicken with the guy.
well franks driving, and we go past each other, well we start racing on this track. well i get tired so i tell frank to move im driving.
next time i know im speeding past the guy and turn right in front of him, making him swerve and crash. BWAAHAHAHAHAH.
so i get out, im laughing and i now have a gun to my head.
im being escorted to a black van, while 2 guys hold frank at gun point. hes on his knees begging to be spared. as i take a step in the van BANG!!. sigh....oh well.
now im working for the government. but i draw sketches and shit.
my squad had a comander, but his name escapes me. this really dishy lookn guy named allan. tall, dark hair, built like a truck, and blue eyes. : melts: and this little girl.
well i fall in love with allan, and he does me. well comander shit ass dosent like this because he wants me to himself.
* i swear, you men and your " territory" that kinda shit is fuckn stupid. fuck i aint no bodys territory.*
well.... im sitting on the floor working on a drawing. allan omes in and i get up to talk to him.
i turn around and the omander is looking at my sketch. he says if it was the one, and i look at it and none of them were my skethes.
so the comander looks at me with a smirk, and says " you know what this means".
O.O so i run away duhh. they chase me. now i have super powers of moving through walls O.o.
so i fly up to the floor above and see allan run into the room i was just in. well in the room above comander is waiting for me.
next thing i know im being thrown in this room that has a cage in it.
so im freaking out, cause i guess i was held there as a child, memory came back to me.
so i try to go through the bars but i cant.
allan runs in and trys to pry open the bars. next i know there's an explosion and im on the floor.
mini dream of being a child stuck in there, wooooooo im awake now.
allan is yelling cause the cage is about to fall into the ocean.
so he's trying to pull the age but it falls into the water.
so i remember i can go through the floor. so i swim and fly up to the ledge where allan is.
then the little girl pops up and tells me this story of how she is me when i was young, blah blah.
so i pick up allan on me back and hop away like inuyasha.
i have some weird ass dreams, i know this.

[Jul. 24th, 2005|10:14 pm]

[	mood	\|	touch me	]
[	music	\|	witch hunter robin soundtrack	]

How i feel at the moment.
What i wouldn't give to feel hot breath on my skin, the touch of fingertips running along my body. O.O .
u_u alla's.

[Jul. 21st, 2005|10:48 pm]

[	mood	\|	this song is so sexy, omg	]
[	music	\|	go away	]

Cruxshadows Go Away.

falling together in the cold grass holding hands
on the hill side watching stars descend
forever seems like just an empty promise
we spent so long ago
but we were younger then.

each sour word
sounds so absurd
but lingers
in the air
while happiness
in an ashen dress
fades into
the years
each lonely hour
my heart has slept
has drifted back
to me
a splintered dream
of awful things
that now
have come to be

She said Go
I don't want you any more
She said Go
i don't need you now, my dearest
She said Go
i don't love you anymore
She said Go
and I heard the angels cry

for us...

simple words that simply disappear
while silence has replaced the sound of laughter
and in the twilight memories shimmer in a
breath of hesitation
but it only lasts a moment before its gone

each sour word
sounds so absurd
but lingers
in the air
while happiness
in an ashen dress
fades into
the years
each lonely hour
my heart has slept
has drifted back
to me
a splintered dream
of awful things
that now
have come to be

[Jul. 21st, 2005|03:58 pm]

[	mood	\|	truth is this..............	]
[	music	\|	cruxshadows	]

Nuff said.
not a bad day really, but iv just realized a few things.

(no subject)	[Jul. 20th, 2005\|10:35 pm]
She cries, children often do When they're cold, and hungry too, Come closer, look deeply in her eyes So delicate, quite unlike her smile Life clinging backwards, In the fall of dread confusion, Still this silence gnaws upon your fingertips, All-yielding prayer, for instant isolation, Far more sinister than the price of doubt, Yet you remain, Still you remain, And she says: Pray for daylight, Pray for morning, Pray for an end to our deception... (2x) Life clinging backwards, In the fall of dread confusion, Still this silence gnaws upon your fingertips, All-yielding prayer, for instant isolation, Far more sinister than the price of doubt, Yet you remain, Still you remain, And she says: Pray for daylight, Pray for morning, Pray for an end to our deception... Cruxshadows song. iv been listening to it for some time now. kinda depressed, and unfloofed. i feel like shit, not just because of a hangover, but for what i did . :: hangs head, and huddles in the corner with a tear in my eye::
link	post comment

[Jul. 16th, 2005|07:30 am]

[	mood	\|	im so pretty.. oh so pretty	]
[	music	\|	parasite eve : main theme piano solo	]

ok so today was my supposed driving test. but nooooo. my other instructor put down as a no test yet, fucker. i was told i was a very safe, and good driver. my attitude for driving is exelent. that and if it was up to him i would of passed right then and there. sigh. so we drove around, i bored him beause i didnt do anything for him to instruct me. so to pass the time he read my pants. the ones iv had sine like 7th grade. so i got to drive around on my own will weeeeee. and got to go home early. so im very confident in my driving skills, boyah baby. although i do tend to take turns a little fast hehe. so i have to all the shool on monday and ask them why i wasnt tested today. ahh well. just more pratise for me in the mean time. so by this time next week i should have me license. mothers keep your boys inside, midian's on the prowl. grrr baby grrr.
for my birthday my dad got me this ring. its a 2 qaret weight, yellow gold, blue marquie cut iolite.

this ring is usually mistaken for amethyst. so yeah its worth about 4,000 dollers. hehe. gatta love jewelery television. thats where we get all of our jewelry.

[Jul. 15th, 2005|06:15 pm]

[	mood	\|	rageing mega huge boners....	]
[	music	\|	champloo	]

Wow today started out really weird.
i get up at like 7:40 this morn, and talk to my number one bud allan, then pack mom her lunch, then see her off. where as i take a shower and get a all from mark sayn hes next door.
so i gallivant over where we fukn chill for a bit then we come bac k to my place.
He sprawls out over my bed and asks me about my computer. so were sittn here lookn up fukn music bands and shit, when he asks me to look up shit for a hair follical test. someone has a problem to attend to ahem.
so i look up the info, then he asks me if i have any porn. well duh im a horny little freak of coarse i have porn. i show him some, we laugh about it.
Later he tells me hes all horny, and yeah i could tell. ^-^. gatta love being a girl.
anway, so we head back over to zachs and have a cig, and a beer. then he leaves to go do some shit.
so i run home and talk to allen till its time to go to megs.
Her mom picks me up bout 12. we start leaning the bird room at like 12:30.
this room was huge. and full of pigeon's, greckles, a budgie,bunnys, and another bird i cant say due to laws against it. but omg the bird is beautiful. iv always wanted one.
So we lean the whole room, move them all around and make it all nice and pretty.
i get home bout 4:40, 5 o'clock. dad comes home.
now i have this really nice ass fuk computer work chair. black, cushy, and swively.
not to mention the new computer desk i got for free. the whole set had to worth over 900.at least 800 for the comp desk, and 100 for the chair.mind you my comp desk isnt some cheap ass piece of wood.
this mofo is a good work desk. its huge. its 6' one way, and 5' another. goes from my tv to the corner and a foot past my book case.
and did you know a pigeon an live over 14 years. i didnt till today.
so im in heaven. college student eat your heart out.

[Jul. 14th, 2005|01:14 am]

[	mood	\|	eat cheese	]
[	music	\|	cradle of filth	]

ACK!!!!!!!
MY SQUIGGLY DOUCH!!!!

[Jul. 13th, 2005|11:17 am]

[	mood	\|	take that bitch	]
[	music	\|	nin	]

well me and mom have devised a plan.
we are going to all vivian and dodie to see what they are saying about me.
apparently this prick is coming into work, askn where i am, because i like all this shit done to me, and so on. and dodie is spreading shit about me.
so mom is gunna call and see what the fuck is going on. if it is so that she is saying this shit. im so gunna have a law suite.
and then i shall report what is said.
hehehehehe i love being sneaky.

ok so apparently, im now duned as un hire able. which is fuckn bull shit. i did my job, i never slaked off.
so this is a fukn rip off.
mom called, they said i was reliable, good with customers, but not good to hire. wtf is up with that.
so because of that, no fuckn place would hire me. so iv lost out on a lot of jobs because of them.
not a happy camper.

[Jul. 12th, 2005|10:31 pm]

[	mood	\|	HAHAHAHa.......haha.....fuck..	]
[	music	\|	pink floyd : high hopes	]

....................................................................................................
..............................................................
.....................................
ZZZZZzzzzZZzZZZzZZZzz wha what!?!..... oh sorry bored.
kinda happens when your not doing anything, or not talking to anyone.
kinda sad really. makes you wanna puke. does me anyhow.
so i think ill do this.

the sad loneliness creeps in through my eyelids.
it burrows deep within my brain.
rusted, and dried it sits.
cobwebs building over the grey matter as i sit and fester,
un-loved, un-touched, sought by none.
cast aside, ignored, and un-thought of.
used as convenience for your enjoyment.
bastard.
dark thoughts creep in,
they burrow deeper than the loneliness.
piercing my every thought, idea, imagination.
and so many wonder why i do what i do.
all i an say is this,
i dont know.
how long can this go on,
not to much longer.
im here for you,
ill keep you in mind.
even through my thin smile and happy eyes,
the bitterness grows.
stronger and stronger with each passing day.
everyday growing littler and littler the words.
soon none will come.
for this day i fear,
but it seams unavoidable,
closer and closer it becomes more of a reality to me.
so now i sit here,
consumed by a life of slow decay.
once my days were brighter, and friends surrounded me.
but now,
now i am alone.
sitting unmoving,
waiting for a sign.
but alla's it never comes.
so deeper and deeper i slip into the void.
soon i will never be able to turn back,
soon ill be lost forever.
so as long as i sit here,
the thoughts will keep coming.
those dark, dangerous thoughts.
the tears will flow down my cheeks.
taking in your explanations with grim cold calm.
decaying from the inside out.
allas,
the end shall come.
then, just then i may be free.
free from all that binds me,
but till then,
i remain un-moved, un-loved, and un-touched

i found him.....he was closer than i thought.

[Jul. 12th, 2005|06:37 pm]

[	mood	\|	bad thought, bad thought hehe	]
[	music	\|	NIN	]

well i just heard that the money i get from my dead fathers social security stops when im 18. i turn 18 on tuesday. so im fuked with college money.
so now i really do have to work for tuition money and shit. and ill be at home a little longer than i wanted.
im not to happy about that but what can i do.
guess ill just have to camp out here for another few years. im not going to balance out car insurance, rent, utilitys, and other shit while im going through college.
and my fuckn c button isnt really working.

well atleast something interesting happened to me. meet the neighbors behind use this past weekend.
me and mom were taking a bong rip, and we decided to go walk around and say hi. meet some cute guys. well we meet this dude named mark. he runs up and says hi and shit.
so were talkn then kendra and her bf came out along with zach who lives there. so me mom and mark walk up to the corner. mark tells me he has to pee, so i told him to go in the corner where the bush is.
so mom looks at me and asks if she should leave so we can talk, >.<. so we all walk back to the apt. im talkn to mark about games, and music. then mom walks away.
so me and mark go and chill in front of the apt. were talkn about shit we do, like to do. and random shit.
then dave rides up and zach popes out. so everyone omes outside. i bum a smoke and the old people nextdoor yell at use for having the music to loud. damn old people.
so i find out they are all in a band called trenh. they play heavy metal, and death metal. kick ass band to. mark is working up to singer. hes really good at screaming and shit.
so mom comes back, and me and mark go inside. they pore me a shot, but the dude didnt fill it all the way. so i told him to fill it to the top. then zach laughs and says im cool. so they toaste me in and tell me i can chill with them anytime. i plan to.
so i take my shot, and go to the bathroom. well dave is in there, so im camping out and zachs kitten runs up to me and paws my foot. so i bend down to pet him and mark comes over, then zach pulls him off to the side.
dave ventures out and i go and do my business.
i come out and the cat is still there, then mark has to piss again, drunken bastard. so he walks in turns around and ask if i wanted to come in. i say no, because i really dont wanna watch some dude pee, not my forte. so i scoop up the kitten and walk back into the living room. were all drinking and smokin weed, having a good old time. so we go outside again.
im standing on the side, and mark walks past me gently pushing me, so i get real close to him and start talkn shit. like what the fuk was that for bitch, do it again ill kick your ass. mind you im laughing while saying this, joking around. so hes gets even closer, and is all like yeah. what you gunna do about it.
hes like, i can take you. but not when im drunk. then we start laughing , then he kinda leans in like hes gunna kiss me so i turn away.
we venture off and started talking again about shit, started talkn about his car. kick ass car.
so i give him my number, and i get his. hes a ool dude. i plan on keeping him around. hes about 21, and hes polish also.
he has fuckn cool ass black hair that has a purple, blue tinge to it. not died. omg. hes about 6'3. but hes a giant teddy bear.
so i gave him a hug and ventured home finaly about 5 in the morn. he gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said i was beautiful. yeah i blushed as i walked home. his friends saw me off and the night was good.
he alled me on sunday, but i havent called him back.

although i finaly have a new fuking bikini. blue and with yellow bottoms. its cute.
so now im bored and kinda pissed. wondering what ima do.ill get through. im a tough girl. i fall down i get right back up and keep on trucking.
i have to much i want to do in my life, to just mope around, and look for pitty. im not gunna be one of those people who just give up. i will become the best of the best.

[Jul. 7th, 2005|02:00 am]

[	mood	\|	blow me fucker	]
[	music	\|	Boa, and silent hill 4	]

ok im pissed. iv been trying for the past 20 min to get this fuckn site to keep me logged in when i go to a different page.
this is pissing me off. im just pissed in general.
cant get into my fuck e-mail and i need to. i have an important e-mail from my school in there and i cant seam to get to it. fuckn passport is haven troubles my fuckn ass.
and i have a fuck driving test this saturday. id be more happy if my fuckn lazy ass mother would get off her fuckn ass and take me out driving. no she comes home, pops open a few beers watches her fuckn soap's and tv programs. god forbid if you have to go somewhere at a certain time. you have to wait till her program is over. then by that time, where you had to go is either closed or its to late.
then on top of that i had to deal with shit, and more shit. i swear i just wanna smack someone.
my car was gunna get fixed, but no the fuckn tax company keeps calling saying 2 more weeks. well fuckn shit. and i need to pay my tuition by the 14th. has anyone gone to do that. hmmm no.
that and i have to send my class report to the fuckn social security place so i can get my money, before my birthday which is in two weeks.
this is gunna be the most shitty birthday ever. well they all kinda are.
i swear. i just wanna up and move in the middle of the night. just leave all my problems behind me. but then that means ill find new ones.
im hungry,extremely horney, and frustrated. wish someone would randomly come over. then i could have some fun. but no.
everyone is to busy doing nuthing. so i sit here going nuts, looking through my games for 20 min, looking for something i wanna play. but iv played them all so much im bored with em.
im tired of running into the living room when i hear the dogs bark, or hear a noise. no one is there, no one is coming.i need human contact.
i go to bed at like 2 or so after talking with my friend about our problems in life, and other shit. make a few jokes then its off to my bed i go. then i wake up at 9 in the morn to do what.
sit and wish someone whould come over, call, hit me up, or something. hell a nuclear bomb would be something.
so now i sit here, draging on a cig and banging away on the key board. oh what a fun life i live.
i cant even stand looking at my comp anymore. shit nuthing new to do. the internet is so boring, iv seen all my movies, hentai, porn, games, pics. i cant see how some people sit in front of their screen like 5 inches away from it. eyes glued clicking all over the fuckn internet. its the same fuckn shit over and over and over again.then they leave for a bit, then jump right back on. then you wonder why they have no life or anything.
sigh, the joys of bitching. i have my right to.
i have a lot to get off my mind but alot of it is about people, and i dont need mixed signas going, like some tend to do.
shit, if i had a car, id never be home. id be out fuckn around. messn with friends, or buggn people. or just going down town.
i plan on making a road trip to nevada. ima go see my bud. him and his ex are in major battle. that and i havent seen him in a while, and hes really nice.
hes kinda like my best girlfriend. ima take my sis and friend meg along. this is gunna be a girl trip. i dont need any unwanted distractions. ima go, have some fun. chill with my buds, and get away from it all for a day or 10. id be there for a day. i have school.
that and i have some family down in vegas so i can chill there.
either that or ill go to cali. see my grandpa, and check out the beach. i havent been there in a long time.
i love san diego. my favorite place to be.
first chance i get im leaving arizona. i dont care who or what trys to stop me. im going full speed ahead. i have plans and no one is going to stop me.
i think that swhy some people try to knoch me down, or control me. i say fuck you, im my own person. you dont like how i do things you can shove your fist up your ass and leave. i hate it when people try to control me, or change how i do things. i have my own style, my own way of things. im a strong person, and i dont care what you think. i may love you, but at the same time call you an ass.
iv learned to dumb myself down a bit, and i kinda let people walk on me a bit. im also how do you say, i give in sometimes, or subservient. i hate that about me. i just give in after a bit becaue i dont wanna deal with it anymore. im not a fighter, well i am, but if it gets to the point where you cant come to terms, i just say fuck it your right , get off it, next move on.
i know to many things, and i just dont wanna blurt the wrong thing out in that moment. so i just shut up, nod my head and give in.
i hate that, im full of secrets and shit, that if i say the wrong thing im either fucked or the person who told me is fucked. im good at covering my ass, and ima regret sayn that later. damn over analyzers. but its true. if im in a jif, i can work my way out. usually.
iv come to realize something. in life you have 3 kinds of people.
me tha analyzer, who looks at the problem, figures out the workings of it, makes a decision, then works on it.
then you have the ANALyzers. who blow everything out of the water, they cant seam to see their own problems, and they give up easily.
then you have the socialites. they love to be in everyones business.and they themselves think that everything will come to them.
ohhh the world we live in. its fuckd up to no return.
well then ima just go back to singing, for thats the only thing that keeps me busy lately.
im good at copying other peoples stye of singing, i really dont have one of my own. i do, but i dont like it. and fuck spell check, bwahahahaha. deal with it.

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